Hi! I’m Giulia Rozzi, a very stylish fauxshionista. I came up with this great original never-been-done-before idea: post pics of me in my favorite outfit of the week! I hope my wardrobe inspires you as much as I have inspired me and myself.
Ladies, we’ve all been there. You wake up at a guys place and are forced to do the “walk of shame” home (or worse, to work) in your inappropriate-for-daytime outfit from the night before. Right, we’ve all been there? Yes? Oh no? Oh what, you’re too cool to drink 4 Skinny GIrl margaritas and fuck a stranger on a Monday night? Oooooh well look at you, you’re sooooooooo classy! Actually no, LOOK AT ME THIS IS MY STYLE BLOG.
In an ideal world they’d be some sort of Space Bag contraption for sexually active single women to magically turn a spare outfit into a compact package that could fit in an evening clutch (I think I’m onto to something there) but until I pitch this idea to Shark Tank, try these steps to look somewhat decent when strutting through town at 8am (or walking bowl legged through town depending on how fun your night was, hey oh!)
Dress: Silence & Noise from Urban Outfitters
Shoes: Wet Seal
So you and the gals went out last night and now you’re in his bathroom brushing your teeth with your finger and fishing your contact lenses out of shot glasses filled with water. This outfit looked sexy at the club but will look skanky on the subway. So what you need to do is turn that to this-
Step 1. Steal one of his t-shirts and find scissors.
I love The Muppets which is why I picked this cute faceless Muppets tee however it was huge, so I got some scissors and in less than 10 minutes turned it into a cute racer back tank. (Tee cutting tutorial here) You just cut off the sleeves, cut a few V’s and use the sleeve fabric to tie around the back. If he was a jerk, be sure to steal one of his favorite tees. If he was cool, but you know he doesn’t like you as much as you like him and thus he’ll never call you again, be sure to steal one of his dirty tee’s so you can smell it when you masturbate and cry.
I kept my dress on underneath to serve as a skirt and bra. (Pro tip! be sure to check your dress for jizz stains before you leave his apartment) Mama didn’t raise no fool!
Now the shoes, as much as I wish I could work it like Carrie Bradshaw in her insane stilettos but these gold pumps are not at all comfy. If you’re morning travel is brief, then try to suffer through wearing your heels home.
If you simply can’t handle another minute in pumps, steal his socks. And yes, this is the second time I am suggesting you steal, actually the third because I assume you also stole his heart (awwwwwwww).
Hike up them socks and try to pull off roller girl sexiness. Might you get glass in your feet or step on dog shit, sure! But what’s better, looking homeless or looking like a tramp? Besides, I’m sure socks no shoes is gonna be the next hipster trend, once the “parrot on my shoulder” trend comes to an end. For this I would not choose his used socks, unless you’re turned on by foot odor, in that case, there are other blogs out there for people like you. Best scenario, he will notice you stole his lucky socks and shirt, he’ll call you to return them, and THAT is when he will finally fall in love with you. Or you can just poke holes in the condom, it’s your call!
Last but not least, undies! Hopefully if you had a good night your underwear is either no where to be found or if found, it’s too…get ready to cringe you immature pansies…MOIST. After all that boning you deserve to feel fresh so steal one last thing and take a pair of his panties. (Pro tip: men love it when you call their underwear panties). Again, if you plan to see him again, you aren’t steal you’re simply borrowing your future husbands stuff.
I would suggest you not show anyone yourself wearing mens underwear (like I just did) because the way it bunches in the crotch makes it look like you have a penis. However, if you find yourself being cat-called on the way home, you should absolutely show the cat-caller yourself wearing men’s underwear as you scream “suck my dick!” That should make the cat-caller and men in general leave you alone.